My daughter Lucy's friend — allow's call her Maleficent — gleefully told her this story: She and some other kids spent an afternoon hurling snowballs at passing cars. One driver was so surprised by the attack that his car jumped the adjourn and hit a tree. After the accident, instead of checking to make sure the driver was OK, Maleficent (then ten) and her pack ran away. "It was so funny!" she told Lucy.

Now, Maleficent might have been lying. She'd been known to exaggerate to become attention. Just I felt horror at the possibility that her story was fifty-fifty a little scrap true. Lucy, for her part, didn't quite know how to respond. Was the snowball ambush absurd — or criminal? I imagined a scenario in which Maleficent seduced Lucy into joining in. "Come on," she'd say, handing Lucy a snowball. "Information technology'southward fun!" Shudder.

My initial inclination was to cut off Lucy's contact with Maleficent, equally in: "That kid is a future psycho, and you're forbidden to run into her again!" I didn't deliver that speech, though. Banning contact seemed bound to backfire (Exhibit A: Romeo and Juliet). In my own childhood, sneaking around with the bad kids had been twice as exciting because Mom hadn't wanted me to. Then, what to do? Not saying something seemed irresponsible, merely would my interfering brand the girls gang up on me?

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As parents, obviously we want to steer our kids away from toxic friendships. But sorting out which are the rotten apples, opening our kids' optics to what concerns u.s.a., and phasing out a dangerous friendship is tricky. So what, if annihilation, can we practise to protect our children from the Maleficents of the globe? Hither, what I've learned:

Ascertain "Bad Friend"

What should enhance your hackles? You have to forgive conflicts of taste and focus on genuine cerise flags, behaviors that display flawed morals and values. Aye, fear the troublemakers. "Kids do accept bigger risks when they're together," says Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia and writer of You and Your Adolescent: The Essential Guide for Ages 10 to 25. He and a team of researchers examined teen brain activeness while kids played a driving game either with friends in the room or while alone. "When friends were nearby, teens took greater risks, running red lights and crashing," he notes. "Scans proved that the advantage center of the encephalon gets hyper-aroused when peers are present."

Also worry about social climbers; they may be the worst influence of all. "The more than kids intendance about beingness popular, the more than ambitious they are," says Robert Faris, Ph.D., a sociologist at the University of California, Davis, who recently conducted a study of 3,700 8th, 9th, and tenth graders about popularity, peer pressure, and meanness. "They viewed aggression equally a manner to maintain social condition," he says. By "assailment" he means bullying, either concrete or verbal. The beliefs is contagious," warns Faris. "A minority of popular kids are aggressive — only about one-third — simply the vast bulk of aggressive kids want to be popular, and although information technology's difficult to measure, the meanest kids seem to exist the nearly desperate."

How to Phase Out A Problem Friend

So what to practice if a bad seed suddenly goes into heavy rotation amongst your little darling's pals? Fortunately, "most kids nether 12 can be brought into line," says Edward Hallowell, 1000.D., a psychiatrist in Sudbury, MA, and author of several books on parenting. "If a friend comes over and behaves badly, yous have to intervene; then take a talk with your child about him. Parents often make the mistake of accommodating a friend's bad conduct for fear of hurting their child socially. But that tin be a tacit endorsement." Think virtually it this manner: "Kids count on their parents to accept loftier standards for their friendships; any child under 12 is not sometime enough to make these decisions solo," says parenting expert Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness.

Merely how practise you talk so your child volition heed? Dr. Hallowell'south communication is to keep information technology elementary: "Say, 'That child is rude. He kicks the coffee table even later I tell him to finish. I don't like that about him. Help me understand: What practice y'all like well-nigh him?' After a frank conversation with your child, maybe he won't want to spend equally much time with the unruly friend."

When your child responds to your questions, you'll learn not only about the friend, just also most your own child. Your son might have hooked up with a video game junkie because, as he'll explain (hard swallow), the geek is the simply kid at school who talks to him. "When having a conversation with your kid, mind as much as you talk," says Carter.

Too, cautions Steinberg, "don't characterization the kid; characterization the bad behavior. Give a proficient reason for not liking [the friend], and your kid may well respect it. Kids actually do care what yous recollect." You tin say, "When Billy comes over, you play a lot of violent video games, then I'd rather you spent less time with him."

Some friendships won't exist uprooted with mere talk, however. "Sometimes subterfuge tin be a parent'due south all-time friend," says Dr. Hallowell. "Plan weekend visits to your relatives to avoid sleepovers. Schedule dr.'southward appointments during their usual playdate afternoons. Hover whenever the child comes over." Also, know that the friendship will probably fade. "Most connections don't terminal long," says Steinberg. "At that place's a lot of instability in friendship during babyhood. If yous don't like your child's friend, ane wise strategy is to dorsum off and permit the friendship run its course."

What To Do During The Teen Years

"Intervening in adolescents' friendships is much trickier," says Carter. "Every bit soon as kids outset to individuate — or separate themselves from parents to form their own identity — at age 12 to 14, you lose command. They won't end a friendship considering you lot tell them to. They'll defend people they know total well aren't skillful for them. To guide them, you take to be subtle." Some proficient-canonical strategies:

• Establish a seed For example, if you've noticed that snobby Emerge always dictates any activeness she and your girl do together, you lot tin say, "You lot're going to see Thor? Boy, yous actually accept changed." Your girl might ask, "How and then?" You can reply, "Yous used to hate superhero movies. But since Sally picked the last 3 films you went to, I figured this ane was your call." OK, maybe that's not then subtle. Sometimes it's all correct to pause out the Mjölnir (a.k.a. Hammer of the Gods — which y'all'd know if you'd seen Thor).

"You establish the question in her mind — 'What do yous see in Jane? She seems actually disquisitional to me,'" suggests Carter. "Don't look an immediate revelation. More likely it'll take some time to trigger a response."

A month downward the route, you might notice that your girl isn't hanging out with Bossypants Emerge or Underminer Jane so much. Do not gloat. "If you glory in the end of the bad friendship, your teen will feel like she'southward been played and might air current up reversing her decision," Carter says.

• Lay down the law Sometimes yous exercise need to limit, if not preclude, a friendship — specifically, if your kid is spending time with someone who will damage his safety, self-esteem, or reputation. Apply "the same principles as with a child under historic period 12," Dr. Hallowell says. "If you recall the kid is a bad influence, take the discussion about the potential impact on your child, but expect more push button-back with teenagers.

"I accept 2 sons," he continues. "As they got older, they questioned me. Regarding 1 friend, I said, 'I'm concerned near him.' My son insisted he was a practiced kid despite his hostile demeanor. I gave the male child a risk, and he did turn out to be OK. But when another kid stole from our house, I said, 'He can't come back unless he returns the item and apologizes directly to me.' That never happened, and his cowardice did the talking for me. My son wanted nothing to do with him anymore."

• Walk the walk "You can too await at your kid's friends for a deeper understanding of how she sees her parents," adds Carter. "A mom recently said to me, 'My teen only wants to hang out with drinkers.' I asked her, 'How often exercise yous socialize without alcohol?' She answered, 'Never.'" Even with friendships, the grape doesn't autumn far from the vine. "Parents tin't forget that they're modeling everything to their kids, including how to have fun and how to choose friends," says Carter. "If all of your friends are super-needy and demanding, your child might exist attracted to that type, too."

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Should Yous Call the Friend'south Parents?

You witness or hear reliable gossip about one of your kid's friends getting into serious trouble. "If it was your kid and you'd want to know, then y'all should call the parents," says Michele Borba, Ed.D., parenting expert and writer of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Regarding substance abuse, bullying, talk of suicide, cutting, an eating disorder, or whatsoever other situation in which a kid is in harm'southward mode, "do what you lot must to protect her," says Borba. "Y'all might lose a friendship with the parent. Your kid might lose a friend. Only the moral obligation takes precedence."

Borba suggests sticking with specific examples and hard evidence. For case, don't say, "I'm no expert, but I think your daughter has some eating issues." Exercise say, "When Brenda was over this afternoon, I heard her airsickness in the bathroom after eating some water ice cream. I thought you should know." Don't offer whatsoever more than that; it'due south now up to the parent to figure out her next steps.

Going back to the story of Maleficent and the snowballs, I ever felt some shame and regret nigh having been besides cowardly to telephone call her mother almost the incident. Should I find myself in a similar position over again, I won't hesitate to achieve out.

What eventually happened with that friendship was this: I began planting seeds. If Maleficent was disquisitional, I'd say to my daughter, "I noticed that she was hard on you near some of your other friendships. What'southward that about?" I started making weekend family unit plans that ruled out sleepovers. When Maleficent came over, I hovered irritatingly nearby. Eventually, my girl started to wriggle out of Maleficent's grip.

Once she got a footling distance, she gained perspective. "You know, Mom, Maleficent is a real drama queen. She's ever starting fights, and then she complains that she's the victim," she said 1 afternoon. It was a glorious day for me and a breakthrough for my kid. It was also the beginning of the finish of that sketchy friendship — and ane of my daughter's giant steps toward maturity.